If Harry was in Slytherin
by LadyLilyMalfoy
Summary: A random sort of parody thing. Not what I usually write, but quite funny and slightly slashy. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Lol!


**Written a couple of years ago with IvybyMoonlight**

**If Harry was in Slytherin…**

Sorting hat: SLYTHERIN!

Ron: NOOOOOO!

Hermione: Ooooh! I'm so sorry Harry, maybe next time.

(Harry goes over to the Slytherin table)

Draco: So, Harry Potter, I knew you'd make it! Mwah ha ha ha !

Harry: I'll help you make 'Potter stinks' badges if you want. (Thinks) Hold on, I'm Potter!

Draco: (Rolls eyes)

(Dementor comes in)

Draco: Hi dad!

Dementor: I make things turn icy with my evil look!

Slytherin: Hi evil dementor guy!

Ron: Bad luck Harry, we really thought that we were your real friends! sob

Harry: But my real friend is the evil dementor guy!

(Enter Sauron)

Sauron: I have come to destroy the one you call…MOLDIE VOLDIE! For I am the only evil guy! Mwah ha ha ha!

Draco: NOOOOO!

Slytherin: NOOOOO!

Draco: Ok no need to copy! Looks miffed)

(Enter Mouldy Voldy with pack of Death eaters)

MV: Hi evil Bro!

Sauron: There will only be one evil one tonight! Mwah ha ha ha !

MV: Ok, see ya later! (Dissaperates)

Hermione: You can't dissaperate in the Hogwarts grounds! Honestly, hasn't he read Hogwarts a history?

Ron: Um… has any one?

Hermione: Good point. Any way… Back to Slytherin!

**Scene two…**

Snape: I don't know who to favour more, Malfoy or Potter?

Hermione: I know! I know! (Has hand in the air)

Snape: Wrong!

Hermione: (Looks miffed again)

Ron: I know your biggest secret…

Snape: NOOO! I'll favour you! Even though I hate you.

Ron: (Whispers to Hermione) I don't know really.

Hermione: (Whispers back) I do.

(Harry pokes Ron in the back and pulls Hermione's hair)

Ron and Hermione: Ow!

Snape: Detention Granger. Ron see me after for sweety points.

Draco: I want sweety points to! (Pouts)

Harry: And me! And me!

Snape: SWEETY POINTS FOR ALL! Apart from Granger.

Hermione: (Sulks)

Draco: Hey Harry, why don't you come to mine over the summer? We could have Slythie sleepovers!

Harry: (Giggles in a girly way) Oooh! Slythie sleep-overs, sounds like fun!

Pansy: Hey Harry, wanna go out some time? Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm engaged to Draco. Hey I'm rich! Let's go out anyway!

Harry: Many would die for Draco!

Pansy: I know. I did.

Harry: SHRIEK! A ghost! (Runs out the dungeons) don't owl me I'll owl you.

Pansy: I'll take that as a yes then…?

**Scene three…**

Draco: …And they all died a painful death. The end.

Harry: OOOH! Freaky!

Slytherin: FREAKY!

Harry and Draco: STOP COPYING US!

Harry: We should be brothers, we're so alike…

Draco: who were your parents?

Harry: Dunno, their dead.

Draco: But are they…?

Harry: are you suggesting that we are related?

Draco: (shrugs) Could be. I'll ask mum.

Harry: Ok.

Draco: (Sticks head in the fire but forgets floo powder) OWW!

Harry: (Passes the floo powder)

Draco: Thanks. My nose. Where's my nose?

Pansy: Here you go Draco. (Hands him his nose)

Draco: (Sticks head back in the fire with the floo powder) Hi Mum! Am I related to Harry?

Narcissa: oh yeah I forgot to tell you that you have a long lost brother. But he didn't have blond hair so we abandoned him. He can come home now if he wants.

Draco: Ok! Thanks mum. (Withdraws head) You are now Harry Malfoy! Congrats!

Slytherin: (Singing) _FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MALFOY…!_

**Scene four…**

Vince: So I was like, "Ya…?" and he was like, "Ya! Like, totally ya!" and I was like, "You sooo cannot be serious!" and he was like, "Uhh…like DUH am I serious, I mean hello, this Margaret Thatcher we're talking about…" and I was all like, "Omygod! Omygod!"

(thinks for a moment-) can't remember anymore…

Harry, Draco, and Greg: GIRLIE GIGGLES!"

Draco: (yelling wildly and waving arms in the air-) OOOH! I'VE GOT AN IDEA! Let's play truth or dare!

Harry: YAY! I go first! Uhh…Greg- truth or dare?

Greg: Hmm…(ten min's later-)…mmm DARE!

Harry: I dare you to run around the manor totally naked!

Draco: (looking doubtful) I dunno… My parents are in.

Harry: (Playfully thumping him on the back-) Aww come on! Don't ruin the whole thing just 'cause your mum will probably have night-mares for the rest of her life if she sees Greg naked…(thinks and a painful expression appears-) saying that though, we'll probably have night-mares too…

Vince: I dunno, once you've seen it a couple of times and got over the shock, it gets kinda nice…

Draco and Harry: EWW!

Greg: (quickly-) Anyway, Draco, truth or dare? 

Draco: TRUTH!

Greg: What was the worst moment of your life?

Draco: When Dad told me I had to marry Pansy 'pug-face' Parkinson. Shudders imagine having to spend the rest of your life with _that_!

Harry: (looking sympathetic-) I feel for you mate.

Draco: (looks pathetic and starts to sob) My life is over before it even began! Alas! What did I do wrong in a previous life? (Starts to knock back anti-depression pills, Vince and Greg grab his arms quickly, whilst Harry snatches the pills away and shakes a finger at Draco-)

Harry: No more pills for you Mr. Malfoy- (Throws pills out of the over-decorative, French, highly expensive, sash windows. )

Draco: (pouts) Don't like you no more… 

Harry: Aww, is little Drakey sulking cos nasty old Harry won't let him commit suicide?

Draco: Mutters incoherently

(Harry, Greg and Vince exchange 'looks')

(Suddenly, Pansy appears in a flash of pink and purple smoke)

Draco: NOOOOOOOOO!

Pansy: (jumps onto Draco) Daarrling! (Looks at Harry and flutters eyelashes) Hiya Harry. (Blows kissed at Vince and Greg who grimace in a disgusted sort of way.

Draco: Why must you torment me?

Harry: yeah. This is a _boys_ party. No girls allowed!

Greg: (Squeals) Ewww! Cooties!

Random Slytherin people: EWWW COOTIES!

(Everyone looks confused. Draco pushes Pansy off disgustedly and Pansy goes over to sit with Harry)

Pansy: Hey Harry. How ya doin'?

Harry (Crying) Eeeek! Cooties! Get them off me!

Pansy (Crying too) HARRY HATES MEEEEEEEE!

(Stops crying and goes over to Greg)

Pansy: (Purring) you like me, don't you Greg? (She runs a meaningful finger up her leg)

Greg: Umm…mayb- (Vince whacks him across the head) Ow!.

Vince: Oh shut up.

Greg: (Indignant) You shut up!

Vince: Make me!

Greg: Make me make you!

(Harry, Draco and Pansy sigh)

Pansy: Lovers tiff.

Harry: Godd! Get a room guys!

Draco: (Rolls his eyes) Tch! Honestly! Young wizards today!

Greg: (Makes camp hand gestures towards Draco) Oh you know you love it really, Drake. Go on, admit it!

Vince: Yeah Drake! You want it don't you? You waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnt iiit!

Draco: (Pushes them both away) Get away from me you poofs!

Greg: (highly affronted) We're not poofs, are we Vince?

Vince: Certainly not Greg.

(They attack Draco with camp hand gestures)

Draco: Stop it! Stop it! Get away from me! HHHAAAARRYY! Make them stop!

Harry: (Tapping Greg and Vince on the shoulders) Now, now boys, there are girls in the room remember.

Draco: _Girl_ Harry. Just one.

Harry: (Meaningfully) No Draco, girl_s._

(Everyone laughs except Draco, who goes off to sulk in a corner)

**Scene five…**

Draco: The hiiiiilllls are aliiiive….(meaningfully) With the sooouuund of muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssiiic…

Harry: With sooonnnngs they have sung….

Vince and Greg: FOR A THOOOOOUUUUSAAAND YEEEEEAAARRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Snape: (Shaking his head sadly) Oh God, what did I do in a previous life to deserve this?

Pansy: (shielding her eyes with embarrassment) Ho hum….I do not know them….

Draco: (Waving a nun's habit at Pansy) You want it, Pansy. You waaaaaannnnt iiiiit….

Pansy: Oh shut up, Draco….


End file.
